Writing for me is therapeutic. It has also been one of the purest and most honest methods by which I communicate. It is impossible for me to be dishonest when I write, and it is impossible for me to give anything less that 100% of myself when I offer my heart in written form. I am grateful that my Creator has seen fit to give me such a vehicle with which to share parts of myself with others, and in some small way perhaps help someone in the process.
I have been told that when I write it’s “just words” as if words themselves are what I write. It’s like telling an artist that their creations are “just paint” or a sculptor that their masterpiece is “just marble.” I am sure the process I use to share bits and pieces of myself are similar to that used by many creative types. I have a moment of inspiration and simply sit down and create it in written form. This usually occurs without thought or editing but with a tremendous amount of openness and honesty.
Over the last year, I have made great strides in using that openness in my everyday relationships. I was once a closed person emotionally. I kept my feelings private until they reared their ugly head in the form of anger. When I was sad, I expressed anger. When I was wrought with fear, I got pissed. When I felt wasn’t sure of how I felt, a temper tantrum usually erupted. Anger gave me a bit of an edge and acted something like a security blanket for me. I felt safe and powerful when angry, so by creating anger from every other emotion it provided me with a “buffer” where I would not find myself in a “weak position” emotionally.
That was, of course, unless I was writing. There, I could express my fears, pain, instabilities and doubts honestly and openly. Writing has always been that type of release for me.
Needless to say, my emotional disconnect was not something that led to wonderful and long-lasting relationships unless those relationships were built predominately on the physical. It took a remarkable woman to convince me to open up and be more honest about my feelings, and although it took years to finally “get it” I find myself completely open and honest about my feelings, sometimes to the point of being told I am nearly TOO honest and open. I simply can’t help myself though, I have become an honest man and an honest man has trouble lying about anything.
My hope is that as an open book I can share something that can help someone prevent the type of pain I have experienced. Now while I don’t have any need or want to continue to discuss my past or the suffering I have experienced in it, I do have a need to share the finer points of honesty. We need to be honest not only with those in our lives, but with ourselves.
(Excuse me, but my dog just farted and I need to tell her how she utterly stinks.)
Ok, back. I am still gagging a bit, but the dog must surely understand how much she has stunk up this room. Ok, the truth is that she obviously has no idea what I am talking about, because she just did it again and, yes, I am gagging once more. Too bad she doesn’t have a dog to blame…
Now back to the subject. I write mostly for me. If someone likes what I have written, that’s awesome. It means they’ve taken the time to read it, and that somehow somewhere I have effected them with my experience. The appreciation of others, however, is not mandatory for me to sit down and share a moment of inspiration with the world. I do it for me and for some chosen few that inspire me. I believe that when I write something with someone in mind, I am sharing with them the most honest and most pure part of me. There is no question in my mind that when I am done that what I have written is the best part of me. It’s what makes each article, essay, poem and thought I write “special” to me.
So, I have shared this in the hopes that if you have ever wondered about the integrity of what I have written you can stop. To those who have questioned my honesty, you may now go back to questioning WHY you doubt the veracity of my creation. I’ll simply just continue sharing until the moment the Creator decides to end such ability.
Be well, all of you, and please accept this piece of me with an open heart, open mind and with open arms. I have to now go back and proofread my article and figure out exactly what it is I have written. Up until now I truly have no idea. 🙂