Today is not special simply in that a challenge has arisen within me. That is part of the necessary experience that my soul must have here, and everyday occurrence that happens hundreds, if not thousands, of times a day at all levels of my existence. Most challenges go unnoticed; a cell divides correctly, an organ functions as it should, the immune system keeps me in balance. Such mundane miracles of the body usually go unnoticed as if they are not even happening, as if the miracle of creation never happened and is not continuing even as I create this prose. It is simply, nonexistent because we have made it so.
In this, I find my challenge today. Recently I have felt an awakening, a movement of spirit to the center of my life. In this effort (or lack of effort), I have felt love as never before. It has permeated all aspects of my life, and the world has appeared brighter and more sublime than ever before. I have felt a “avalanche” of love, pure and simple as it is, to which there was no challenge. Nothing could end the mood, nothing could end the connection, nothing could end the process – until today.
I still have the feeling, but it is tempered with a bit of anger. I am not sure where this anger came from today. I didn’t sleep well, but that is fairly normal for me. The first four hours of the night I sleep like a log, the second 4, well, its more like I sleep on a log. I don’t know that a lack of sleep is the issue here. Upon getting out of bed I just did not feel right. I meditated before I got out of bed and I just didn’t feel the warmth and energy I had over the recent past. In the shower, I did not feel the connection to everything around me. The water did not feel particularly warm. I could not feel the purpose of each water droplet, of the embrace of the chill as I left the shower, or the comfort of the towel as I dried myself off.
Something is missing. So far this morning has been “blah”. It seems darker, and although the skies are gray it is hard to see the vibrant color I had just yesterday. I can’t find a reason or a cause it just is. I think, I search, but still can’t find a reason for the loss of clarity that possessed me just a few short hours ago. Perhaps all I can do is not search for the cause of losing that clarity, but focus on the cause of having it in the first place.
The challenge that has arisen today is not about anger or fear, love or hatred, it appears to me at this moment to be about focus. Which part of me is truth? Which is the essence of the “me” I wish to create in this world? What exactly is my purpose beyond this post and beyond this breath? Why, today, am I focused on the darkness and not the light?
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